Friday, September 11

In Utero

I'm in this dark hole now. It's pretty though. It's the prettiest thing in my world right now. No light. Just sheer darkness and me. It's all good. Something keeps me wanting to live amidst all the chaos, all this death. No noise. No light. No clutter. No racing. No tears. No smiles. No one to let you down. No one to give you glory. No friends, therefore no enemies. Life in it's purest form, sitting right beside me, saying nothing, doing nothing...just being itself giving me silent glances, yet not beckoning me to do anything. Life and me, staring at the walls. No need to cry. No need to ask. No need to validate my thoughts. Not the faintest need to be acknowledged either. Not the smallest want to be wanted. I'm quite content with my beliefs that they need to be neither approved nor validated. I don't need your salutations either for they don't do anything to me anymore. I'm on the most content road ever. Im back in my mother's womb. I'm fresh and unaffected. Humans are programmed to receive. But in that reception lives a huge lie. A giant fake. A humungous disappointment. Cos nothing is really forever. Nothing can be kept with you unless it's given to you by YOU. Everything else is temporary. People, friends, words, promises, gifts, bonds...everything is nothing. They will all be consumed by Time and Nature some day. Is there something that won't be swallowed by Time? Is there something that won't be forsaken by a mere plethora of Expectations? The sense of peace I feel right now is surreal. One I never felt before. A territory I dared not tread before. It's amazing. I no longer suffer from the need to make or have friends. I'm quite 'blissed' out here. No one knows what they are here for, or the wheres or whys. No one cares what you have to say. There are echoes from a distant past, and I see lips moving...but nothing can really be heard in this dark hole. And it's good. I have forgotten to smile but I have forgotten to cry too. I don't remember your name but I remember your face. In this nothingness lies a real sense of peace. Once you're broken beyond repair, that's when you realise your full potential, your purest form, yourself. Until you're 'broken' you will never really know what it is to live without will never really learn to live as 'you'. I'm somewhere between life and death, but I'm not with you. In utero I shall remain.
- An ode to my broken spirit

Music: Echoes by Pink Floyd